Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hairy Legs And An Addled Brain

I tried to wax my own legs this morning. Actually the first attempt was made a few weeks ago but due to the consistency of the wax, the time of the month and the fact that I had used up all the quick wax strips on James' back (a not to be repeated delight for me unfortunately) I was only able to do one strip. This meant that my left leg has had a clearly noticeable bald strip on it for the last two or three weeks and the rest of the hair on my lower legs has grown to such lengths that I can now feel the breeze whistling through it as I walk across the room with my legs exposed. Of course this only happens in the confines of my own bedroom and is witnessed by noone but still its just not right.

So this morning I made an attempt to remedy this unsightly and, lets face it, manly look I've been cultivating. This time I took a jug of boiling water up to the bathroom with me to soften the wax so that it would spread evenly. I got myself set up and lo and behold it was working. Unfortunately the fact that I had left it so long meant that the wax was very quickly clogged and I ran out of strips as well as time. Honestly I don't know why I didn't try and do it in a methodical manner. It makes sense to do that but somehow I managed to switch between legs in a manner highly indicitative of a psychiatric disorder and not only that but I didn't even do it in straight lines. I kind of went wherever I pleased and that has left me pretty much looking like someone took to both my legs with sheep shearing clippers while high on drugs.

Now I can't shave them or I will have the regrowth coming in unevenly and it will look nearly as unsightly as it does already and I am too embarrased to go and get them professionally waxed because of how they look now. Not only is Valentine's day just around the corner (nothing could be less sexy than my legs right now) but I have a doctors appointment tomorrow which I am hoping will not require any undressing.

My main problem here (apart from the lack of strips) is the time it takes to do all this personal maintenance stuff. In the mornings I have a set window of opportunity in which to ready myself for the day. If I miss that window then I am in trouble. Basically it comes down to the fact that I have time for a shower and one other thing. That could be washing the hair, shaving the legs, staring in the mirror for 5 minutes saying “why me?” or taking an incredibly long time to choose a shirt. Waxing takes much longer and so can't be fitted in with the normal morning routine. If I didn't have to also dry my hair then I could possibly squeeze in a hair wash and a leg shave but now that it is winter I really need to get my hair somewhat dry before leaving the house. Its not like I've ever had my hair freeze on my head but when its so cold outside it just doesn't dry and that feels kind of cold and clammy.

I have figured out that tweezing the eyebrows is perfectly doable in the car. Not while I'm driving and not if we're in a really big hurry because there's nothing worse than poking yourself in the eye with the tweezers when the car gets suddenly flung around a corner at high speed. Makeup application is also one of those in the car jobs. In fact all my make up now lives in the car semi permanently. It's interesting to note that liquid foundation has a lower freezing point than water but it does get very cold.

Here's my main problem. I have three kids, no wait four if you count James (and I think most mothers do count their spouse). Not only that, I have two with ADHD, one who is making me wonder on a daily basis if she doesn't also have it too and a toddler who by definition has ADHD until she grows out of it. I pray that she does grow out of it because it would be so nice to have at least one normal kid. Now don't get all offended with me for saying that. Until you have lived in a house where EVERY other person is suffering from a disorder that causes them to overly tax YOUR brain in order to compensate for what is not quite working in their own you can't really judge.

My brain is so overworked just trying to get everyone out the door in the morning that there are bound to be mistakes made. Take today for example, I actually didn't need to shower first thing because I was going to the gym so I put on the gym clothes that I had laid out the night before (getting a jump start on the day is always a good move) and went downstairs to get the kids into some kind of organised state before they had to go to school (I had nothing to do with what they were wearing or rather which colours they thought worked together today). This sounds simple enough but you have to remember one kid with ADHD and one with a suspected case. Oh and don't forget the toddler (James is away at the moment so we won't count him).

I got Abigail dressed and safely immobilised in the highchair (it is very important to immobilise your children at every opportunity). I got her breakfast ready and the older two were also getting their breakfast sorted. I managed to get some medication into Emily but remember it takes at least half an hour to start working. Probably by about halfway through the bus ride to school she would have been doing good.

For now, though, she was in high fettle. It's not so much the bouncing off the walls in the morning that's hard its the complete distraction at the slightest provocation. So a simple task like getting your backpack on your back becomes a 10 minute struggle to bring her attention back into the room and off the activity of a squirrel family in a nearby tree. I finally managed to get her ready to go and wait for the bus. I had to finish brushing Kaitlyn's hair so I had Emily go outside on her own to wait while I finished up.

I probably took about 5 minutes to get Kaitlyn's hair unknotted and pick her up off the floor (where she had dramatically collapsed from the pain of the knots being pulled out) and get a pony tail installed on the back of her head and listen to her whine about how that wasn't what she had wanted her hair to look like and tell me that she had wanted to wear this red headband. I put the headband in too (not wanting to continue the conversation). Later I would find the headband at the top of the stairs where it had either fallen or been dumped.

I finally got Emily off to school but not before having to make sure that in the five minutes it had taken to brush Kaitlyn's hair she hadn't missed the school bus because she was playing in her imaginary playground which is in the trees beside the driveway rather than standing in the driveway waiting for the bus. I then drove Kaitlyn to her class (minus her winter coat which I had failed to remind her to put on thus personally causing it to be left behind) and proceeded on to the gym. Once I was home and had Abigail safety immobilised again (this time in her cot for a nap) I was able to focus on my shower (and the waxing). I only had so much time though because lunch time was coming up and Abigail would be waking up soon (hence my truncated waxing session). Then it would be time to get Kaitlyn from school.

It was only about 10 minuteas before I needed to leave to get Kaitlyn that I realised that this whole time I was thinking that it was Wednesday. It was actually Tuesday which now meant that I needed to get Kaitlyn's ballet stuff ready since she goes to class right after school (and because of my mistake with the day I hadn't asked her to get her own stuff ready). I quickly got her things together and dashed out of the house (I didn't forget Abigail, I successfully moved her from immobilisation in the highchair to immobilisation in the car seat).

I got to the school and after some chit chat with actual adults told Kaitlyn that she had ballet and then I did a strange thing. I started on the routine for Thursdays which is Emily's ballet day. I did have Kaitlyn change into her ballet gear but I was fully intending to sit there in the car at the school and wait for Emily's release time which would have made Kaitlyn miss her class.

I'm not quite sure how I managed to think it was the wrong day twice in the same day and get it wrong both times but I did. So all in all I think my brain is feeling the pressure when it comes to being everybody's memory. I think a long holiday from all kinds of household organisation would be a wonderful thing right about now.

As it happens it is Valentine's day next week and I have thought of the perfect gift for myself. I need a day at the spa. I've never been to a spa but if they let me lay about and get massaged and waxed and generally made to feel like a princess I would be totally in for that. If I got to come home to find the house clean and all my tasks for that day completed it would be like heaven on earth.

While James has been away I found a book that he had been given when we were newlyweds. It's called 1001 Ways To Be Romantic (or something like that). For the last couple of years I have been putting this book in places that James frequents hoping that he would get the hint and open it up. So far no joy. So this time I have been systematically going through every page and actually highlighting the things I find most romantic. The next step will be postit notes sticking out in strategic places throughout the book.

I am hopeful that he will flick through the book when he comes home and notice previously non existant pink highlighter marks and be curious. I have yet to find the part in the book that says you should book your wife into a day spa immediately but I have put cute little frowny faces next to all the ones that suggest giving her chocolate. That would just completely ruin my attempts at healthy eating, totally undermine my gym membership and basically make me very grumpy.

I think what I am really trying to say here is “could I please have my brain back? For just one day? Pretty please?”

1 comment:

  1. I so want to give you a huge hug, send you to that spa & clean your house for you - and I hate cleaning!! lol You write so well, I do hope that one day you will consider sending these to be published. You are funny & very readable. I can always relate to something and you make me really feel like I am there watching like on tv! I feel for you but I also see such strength and maturity which makes me want to be with you, help out a bit but doesn't scream rescue me. You are amazing Naomi, book yourself into that spa!! Lots and lots of love & hugs from me xxxxx Anita