Wednesday, September 7, 2011


This morning I was reminded about an incident that happened over the summer.  Quite a while ago (not quite sure when) Emily and Kaitlyn were given a giant lollipop each.  The kind that are like a swirl with all kinds of different colours.  They looked like everyone imagines a lollipop to look.

Actually I remember getting one of these when I was a child, it must have been for Christmas I think because I’m pretty sure all us kids had them.  At the time I remember it being such a special treat because we didn’t have lollies and junk food unless it was a special occasion like Christmas or a birthday.  In fact up until I was about 9 years old I thought that you could only buy that kind of stuff when it was Christmas or a birthday.  I’m not quite sure how I thought the logistics of this idea would have worked since its someone’s birthday everyday but since I didn’t typically go to the shops with Mum (clever Mum) I didn’t know there were whole aisles devoted to such forbidden fruits.

I didn’t really have a sweet tooth either so lollies were the one thing where I was especially talented.  My brother and sister would gobble their lollies down in a flash and I would savour mine for days.  I would wrap the lollipop up in some glad wrap and store it for later and of course once their treat was gone they would be looking at mine with overwhelming covetousness.  This was the only realm in which I had the upper hand.  You see my older brother and younger sister were born with advanced ninja skills.  They could have me pinned down in no time begging for mercy.  All except that one time when I took a self defense for women course and came home and practiced what to do when a man attacked.  I had the whole family gathered around in the kitchen and my brother was the attacker.  I did the move we had just learned and in no time he was on the floor writhing in agony.  It’s ok people, he has managed to move on from the trauma and has managed to father 5 children since then so no permanent damage.  

They both got the financial stability gene too.  I, on the other hand, have had to develop this skill through sweat and tears.  But I had the eating lollies incredibly slowly gene and it did make my life so much more enriched, especially around Christmas and birthdays.

So back to my kids.  It seems as if they did not get the eating candy slowly gene.  As a result any candy that manages to make it indoors gets squirrelled away in a high cupboard and pulled out only occasionally.  Sometimes we forget that its there which is fine by me.  Other times it actually gets thrown out (please don’t hate me all you sugar addicts).  Well these two giant lollipops had been around a while and had even been moved to a new house, still mostly intact inside their own personal Ziploc bags.  I had installed them in the kitchen in a cupboard above the fridge.

I do not know how the kids knew they were up there.  I’m pretty sure they didn’t see them getting unpacked but somehow they found out.  So one morning we came downstairs for breakfast and as I casually glanced around the lounge I noticed something out of place.  There was a giant lollipop quite securely stuck to one of my cushions.  Now this was a mystery to be solved.  How had it gotten there?  And who did it?  

Apparently Mr Nobody Pink (quite the troublemaker in our house) had moved with us to the new house because his name did come up when we started questioning the two most obvious suspects.

I had my own ideas about who might have been responsible but its not always a good idea to show your hand too early in the investigation.  I went upstairs to get the baby and there was another lollipop securely attached to Kaitlyn’s pillow.  Well that solved one mystery.  The lollipop on the cushion was obviously Emily’s one.  

Further questioning did not reveal anything.  In fact brick walls were being stuck up all over the house around this subject.  They both assured us that it wasn’t them, that it was the other one or that Mr Nobody Pink was responsible.  

They were both grounded from all kinds of things at that point in the hopes that the one not responsible would make a huge fuss about being wrongfully grounded.  That didn’t work either, they both made a big stink.  

We went through the day with the discussion at the forefront of our conversations.  We tried to separate them and question them, we tried questioning them together.  We tried being nice, we tried being not so nice.  We tried coaxing, we tried good old fashioned bribary.  All to no avail, they proved themselves to be very strong under interrogation, almost like I would imagine a ninja to be.  

It all seemed to be coming to a head when we picked Daddy up from work that night and on the way home stopped in at McDonald's to pick up some dinner.  We had to have Daddy go in on his own because they were crying so much about who had done it.  I sat in the car with them in hopes that one of them would let it slip while I was listening.  Now normally when you are listening to two children fighting about something it is so irritating that you just have to break it up for your own sanity.  This time it was so absolutely amusing I felt like I was watching a movie in the rear view mirror.  

“You’re just trying to get me in trouble, now I won’t be able to ride my bike for a whole week and its all YOUR fault” “no, you’re trying to trick Mummy and Daddy, you’re lying.  I can’t believe you are doing this to me”.   This was, of course, accompanied by a generous helping of giant tears, sobs, finger pointing and head shaking.  By the time James got back to the car they were drowning in tears and insults in the backseat and I was nearly hysterical with laughter.  We managed to make it home and through dinner and decided that they both needed to go straight to bed.  

This is where true genius came to the forefront.  They got into bed and James went up to tuck them in.  He went first to Kaitlyn’s room and sat on the edge of her bed.  He looked her straight in the eyes and said “we know you did it”, she stared at him. “You see we tested the fingerprints on the cupboard and they were yours”.  She immediately leapt out of her bed and struck a dramatic pose whilst screeching at the top of her lungs “I did not do it!!  Emily did, she’s just trying to get me in trouble”.  He calmed her down and told her to wait.

He went into Emily's room and sat on the edge of her bed.  He looked her straight in the eyes and said “we know you did it”, she stared at him.  “You see we tested the fingerprints on the cupboard and they were yours”.  She crumbled, burst into tears and admitted the whole thing.

She had actually climbed up the fridge, perched on the top and opened the cupboard.  How she knew they were there we don’t know and how such a small girl had managed such acrobatic feats is amazing.

Of course all this means that my eating lollies incredibly slowly gene is being trumped by my children’s eat lollies fast gene and climb and sniff out candy like a ninja gene.  Whenever I put one of my treats away safely to savour and keep enjoying at a later date my children invariably sniff it out, climb like ninjas to get to it and then gobble it down so fast I never even know its happened until I finally have a craving for something sweet only to find it gone.  I am going to have to develop some ‘hide things even ninjas can’t find’ skills.   They also have the ‘big brown please share with me because I’m so cute eyes’ gene.  I’m pretty much doomed really.  I’m pretty sure the baby has been born with the same genes too so there’s really no hope.


  1. That is the best story ever, I loved it :-)

  2. I remember those lollipops - we'd get them for Christmas every year too. And every year, after licking them for half an hour, Mum would put them away for the next day and, somehow, every year, the ants would get into them and they'd have to be thrown out - I never got to finish one ever!!

    Traumatised for life I am.